Dreams!

We all live life hoping for more. Some of us are fortunate enough to get more. I have received so much and yet I hope for more. Why?

Here's why: I have much - people who love me, people I love, a good job, a nice flat, a nice car, a Kindle... The list is long. The very last item on the list is the problem, though. I have dreams.

This is not meant to be the unsatisfied rant of a spoilt brat. This is a statement of fact. I have much. I want more. Because what I have does not answer the call of my dreams. The job is good, but it's a job, not a way of life. I believe that one's work, that thing you do to fulfill your role in the grand scheme of things, should be something that you want to make a way of life, because you were born to live that way. I was not born to live this way. Being a teacher is noble and good and I am not bad at it, but it just ain't me.

(Note pause here)

As I wrote these first paragraphs, I had to pause, wondering where this is going. So, I took the time to go over some old posts. Methinks some of the things I started seeing during and shortly after Lent are becoming clearer. I know now that where I am now is the right place for me to be, but I am definitely on my way somewhere else. My role in the grand scheme of things is changing and my job is to work as hard as I can, both on the here-and-now and on the next step.

Wish me luck!

The Pink Chair

This is the pink chair in question.

On being a teacher.

So, teaching is described as the most stressful, but satisfying career in the world (If Oprah can be quoted as a source).

I have to say, I agree. But... Not today. Today I feel only the stress.

What makes a young, single woman decide to spend her waking hours parenting a whole bunch of other people's teenage daughters in a boarding house? Seriously! Just think about the hormone levels! Every broken nail, every laddered pair of stockings, everything is a Drama-with-a-capital-D!

At the same time, I spend my mornings trying to get the intricacies of the English language into the heads of a variety of equally hormonal other teenagers from ages 12 to 17. Usually fun, but on a Friday after lunch... Not so much.

I think Lawrence expressed it best:

Last Lesson of the Afternoon.

When will the bell ring, and end this weariness?
How long have they tugged the leash, and strained apart
My pack of unruly hounds: I cannot start
Them again on a quarry of knowledge they hate to hunt,
I can haul them and urge them no more.
No more can I endure to bear the brunt
Of the books that lie out on the desks: a full three score
Of several insults of blotted pages and scrawl
Of slovenly work that they have offered me.
I am sick, and tired more than any thrall
Upon the woodstacks working weariedly.


And shall I take
The last dear fuel and heap it on my soul
Till I rouse my will like a fire to consume
Their dross of indifference, and burn the scroll
Of their insults in punishment? - I will not!
I will not waste myself to embers for them,
Not all for them shall the fires of my life be hot,
For myself a heap of ashes of weariness, till sleep
Shall have raked the embers clear: I will keep
Some of my strength for myself, for if I should sell
It all for them, I should hate them -
- I will sit and wait for the bell.

D. H. Lawrence

Loving winter

I am a winter creature! Is there a scientific word for creatures that prefer to be active in winter, like winturnal? That's me!

After nine months of sweaty misery, I am suddenly productive, creative and happier than I've been in a long time. In the past week, I have reorganised my house, reorganised my workspace, started work on an artwork that is actually going somewhere and been smiling all the way, despite finding myself at the end of a terribly long term, swamped with work and having no end in sight.

At least I have a short holiday to look forward to. And I'm going to a cold place! Yay!

Better make the most of these short winter months before I succumb to another interminable summer of sweat and swelling limbs.

Aaargh!

Frustration levels are quite high up here in the mountains right now. The reality that somebody else's "bright" idea is causing me to have to put in extra hours on my day off is seriously interfering with my mojo today!

Only questions today.

I am having a tough time with Isaiah 54 today. God talks about how mighty He is and that He created everything, including that which destroys, and how He is in control of everything. At least, that is how I am reading it. But, it's not making sense to me. Why did He make evil and why does He allow it to flourish?

I consider myself lucky, compared to others. So many millions have never lived in peace, never eaten enough, never known a day without abuse. The list goes on. Yet, even my sheltered existence has not remained untouched by evil. (Yes, I am using the word, "evil", on purpose - that completely destructive thing that goes against everything good.) So, I am feeling a sense of despair.

Life can be so amazing! Why should it be marred in so many ways?

...is torn.

Tonight I feel torn. Where is the line between artistic commentary and blind, macabre fascination?

Watched "Dorian Gray" tonight. Essentially, it's a good movie, with less than brilliant effects and some amazing photography. The movie stars the always brilliant Colin Firth and beautiful Ben Barnes who is freakishly good in his subtle portrayal of Dorian - the innocent boy corrupted and ultimately damned by the influence of an immoral older man. It is based on a novel by the absolutely brilliant Oscar Wilde.

But, here's the thing: Conceptually, I love this moral fable of what it would mean to sell your soul. And, as mentioned, the actors and original author are brilliant. However, I am increasingly shocked and frightened by contemporary society's fascination with evil. What is the distinction between looking at and thinking about something depraved and just playing with the idea of it? Is it not, in itself, depraved to blindly and indiscriminately portray evil and depravity? What is it that draws the line between this film and something like "Saw", or even "Natural Born Killers"?

Is there a line?

I have not read the original text, but this version, with its strange sex scenes and bloody murders, despite the way it ends,leaves me slightly muddled. Or is it that the ending redeems the rest?

Exploring the complex relationship between suffering & creativity | Drops Like Stars | Rob Bell

Exploring the complex relationship between suffering & creativity | Drops Like Stars | Rob Belljavascript:void(0)

Read the book yesterday. As always, I am truly inspired by Rob Bell's thinking.

I don't think that one needs to suffer to be creative or to make something amazing of one's life. However, if that thing you would never wish on your worst enemy happens to you or you even just go through something that makes you lose your balance, it may be the wisest course of action to see it as an opportunity to rethink who and what you are and how your life should or shouldn't work; to discover that the box doesn't exist and your thinking and potential for creativity doesn't have limits.

Be careful what you wish for!

At the beginning of Lent, I expressed the hope that something would happen for me. Somewhere in the middle, I commented on the fact that things are being revealed to me bit by bit. But, I have always had the experience that the real action only happens after Lent, as if it is a time of gestation and that which God wants me to know or learn will only come to the fore afterward.

Well, it is now after Lent. I got what I wished for - something that will grow me spiritually and otherwise, that will teach me new skills. And, yes, you guessed it! It came in the form of a challenge! It is going to test me spiritually, emotionally and relationally and if it doesn't work, I am going to have a hard time of it. Yay! (anybody notice the sarcasm?)

But, I know, also from experience, that these things do not only happen for a reason, but they also happen because the Lord is standing next to me, teaching and guiding me (even when it doesn't feel like it). So, we'll see what transpires.

Wow! How beautiful!

Check out this post on The Animalarium. I love this blog!

Wishing I had more time to read.

“My strong advice to you is to soak, soak, soak in philosophy and psychology, until you know more of these subjects than ever you need consciously to think. It is ignorance of these subjects on the part of ministers and workers that has brought our evangelical theology to ...such a sorry plight...The man who reads only the Bible does not, as a rule, know it or human life.” -- Oswald Chambers

All the people I admire most are well-read. They have brilliant, informed opinions, based on an eclectic mix of books that they have read. Rob Bell, Ron Martoia, my boss, most of my colleagues, my uncle, Terry Pratchett... I want to be like them!

Problem is that I am almost always so tired that the letters on the page start to swim before my eyes moments after I had started reading and then the book hits me in the nose and it's an hour later! What to do?

The judges' decision is final.

Ladies and Bloggermen...Tadaaaah...

A sample picture of the dreaded new car:

The colour is wrong, but you get the idea.

Adventure! Yay!

I am embarking on an adventure! This is something I have never done before and I must say, I am nervous and exhilirated! Name them, I have them: butterflies, jitters, knots in my stomach, random bouts of nervous giggling and grinning. The list goes on.

What am I doing, you ask? Climbing Kilimanjaro? Bungee jumping? Getting married?

None of the above.

I am... drumroll, please!... buying a new car! All by myself, with my own money! Never have I been so nervous!

Honestly speaking, I should be less nervous. After all, I have bought property, for goodness' sake! I have taken on new jobs, gone overseas, passed crazy exams and finished a thesis. I went to Zimbabwe without blinking!

However, six or seven phonecalls and about twelve e-mails from dealers and insurers later (this is just the beginning, I fear) and I am a bowl of jibbering jelly. What is a balloon payment, anyway? Do you get a balloon when you pay? Do you give the dealer a balloon and get to pay less?

Let's not even talk insurance! One guy phoned and talked at me for ten minutes about a car I do not have yet! And then he finishes off by telling me that we will have to do it all again when I get the car, because it will all change!

So, I need some Chamomile tea and a long bath and, preferrably, to wake up when it's all over!

Back to the eating and the drinking.

Today was wonderful! Yet another testimony to the truth in Ecclesiastes. Having spent a day in the company of friends, just enjoying each other's presence and doing what girls do in the mall, I have again come to the end of the day feeling that life is worth it.

Bad things happen and people do terrible things to themselves and others, but life is worth it when you have people to love who love you.

Spend time with them, doing 'useless' things, having very little to show at the end of the day. Making money, being productive and contributing to society is ok, but it will never be enough. What you bring home from a day with cool people is always more than enough.

So far...

Been having some interesting revelations, or should I say, 'glimpses into revelations' - not profound, but hinting at something profound to come - since Lent started and I chose my fast.

I have always entered Lent with a sense of expectation. Some seasons have been amazing and others less so. This time it's a slow burn. Things are gradually revealed and new questions are opening new avenues of thought. Old, dormant relationships have reignited and taught me new things.

So, no fireworks and bursting into song this time, but I think what comes out of this season will be taking me to new depths of understanding in my relationship with the Lord and, consequently with people.

Can't wait!

Magic

I am watching "The Lake House" again, tonight. What a wonderful, poignant story. So unreal, but so enchanting, it doesn't even bother me that Keanu Reeves is not the world's greatest actor - although he is always fun to look at. Of course, it helps that Chicago is a beautiful setting for a movie.

Makes one believe in magic again.

Blogging about blogging, or metablogging

The thing about blogging is that you cannot take it too seriously.

If you are going to talk about yourself and your life and then broadcast it to the entire world in a forum that is as indiscriminate and broad as the internet, especially in the blogsphere, you have to know that funny things could come at you and anybody could comment on what you're doing.

I tried another "next blog" trip today.

Amateur and less than amateur photography and art is huge! Which I get. It's a great forum for putting yourself out in the marketplace - if you get noticed. I have seen some amazing and inspiring work in my many various trips through the blogsphere and love what it evokes in me. (I am saving to order some art from Rima Staines!)

Obviously, many people use blogging to present their world view or something in particular, like their religion, to others. That's great too! I love new ideas and seeing what makes others think and wonder. And if I don't agree with their ideas, I might still learn something.

I get that people should tell their stories, I mean, that's why I blog, to tell my story to the void and see what comes back. And it's not always amazing and inspiring. There are many blogs, like mine, that are essentially mundane - just a way of talking about whatever's going on in your head on any given day. Even famous authors' and thinkers' blogs are mostly run of the mill.

The bit I don't get is the blood and guts retellings of giving birth etcetera. Maybe I am not seasoned enough as a blogger, or not enough of a voyeur, but Eeuw! Don't get me wrong. I know that giving birth and having babies is miraculous and wonderful, but I don't really get that sense of wonder from the matter of fact bit about the gross things (Ugh, I obviously can't even articulate this very well, because... ugh!) and the unhelpful things the doctor said.

Why do we choose to tell some stories in the way we tell them? We all know birth is messy, but that's not the cool part! Why tell the story about something as holy, personal and miraculous as having your first child in a way that evokes anything but wonder?

See, this is my dilemma: I know the internet is indiscriminate and blogs are supposed to be whatever people make of them, as I said in the beginning, and it shouldn't bug me, but it bugs me!

My wish for today

Dear random blog reader

I feel compelled to let you know that I have one dear wish today. It is simply this: If you have noticed and looked at the blog, entitled "The Animalarium" because you spotted it on this blog, I will be happy today.

I think that Laura has the most impeccable taste and ability to select amazing images, especially from children's literature, and put them together in collections that continually blow my mind!

Do yourself a favour and browse around in there. You won't be sorry!

Hopefully yours

Heidi

Next blog

Here's an interesting little venture, for those with time to play around on the internet. The navbar of this blog allows you to navigate to whatever blog follows next on their list (which I have no idea how it is compiled). So, I try it.

Firstly, the blog that follows mine is blocked for reasons unknown, so that is a dead-end. So, I navigate to another blogspot blog and try again. What do I find?

Countless blogs by aspiring photographers (usually pretty cool), but with the emphasis on "aspiring", so mostly blurry and not so cool. Also, they are all in some Eastern European language - one of those with more consonants and strange characters than vowels! Not that I don't like those languages, but I think you get my drift. Thus, I have killed about a half an hour, discovered that photography is big in places with snow and that people there enjoy wearing red bikinis?!

So, if you have time to kill... You never know...

Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet!

A few weeks ago, the minister at one of our local churches (one of the few I have visited in an attempt to find a spiritual home here) spoke out of Ecclesiastes. Tonight, I experienced what he meant.

He taught that we should "eat, drink and be merry", because life is short and unpredictable. Tonight I ate, drank and was merry and remembered what he said. It's true! We can never solve all the world's problems, or even all our own problems. Life will always have an element of surprise and absurdity. The question is: Do you stop living and freak out about everything that's wrong with the world, or do you savour and enjoy that which is good?

I don't think he meant that we should stop trying to make a difference, but that we should not be swallowed up by the big black hole that is everything that is wrong with the world.

Amidst all the muck and blood, sweat and tears that our lives sometimes become, we have to take the time to sit with friends and loved ones and just enjoy! Laugh, joke, philosophise, eat, drink and be merry, because tomorrow will bring its share of problems, whether we agonise over it or not. But, tomorrow cannot rob of us the joy we created and memories we made today.

I thank God for friends and family who love me and who have given me years of joy and wonderful memories and continue to do so every day just by being who they are and sharing of themselves with me.

After big things

So, the wedding has come and gone and life has returned to "normal". "Normal", in the sense that things go on and also "normal" in the sense that the wedding of one friend, coupled with the new relationship in another's, has brought to the forefront all my old thoughts and fears about still being single. I like being single - doing my own thing, spending my money the way I want to, having the bathroom to myself - all great things, but...

One does wonder.

What would it be like? What would I do differently? What would I enjoy? What would bug me? In short: what am I missing? Question to the void: Any thoughts?

Big things

One of my best friends it getting married this week. What an awesome, scary, huge, strange thing marriage is!

Realising the significance of her decision has been surprisingly difficult for me. Knowing that she wants to share her life with someone has evoked some fear in me. Fear that she won't be happy, fear that he will change and hurt her, fear that the marriage will change her and fear that their marriage will affect our friendship.

But love drives out fear and, in this case, the love that I know God has for them. He is walking this path with them and guiding their footsteps. Nobody knows what life will throw at them, but those of us who know God know that He walks with us and that we can bring our fears and burdens to Him and "God's peace, which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount over our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

I still worry, because I care, but the job of looking after them and their marriage is not mine. My job is to be her friend, to faff over her hair and nails on Saturday morning and to pray that God will bless them.

Mmmmm... Promising

Just started reading "Zealous Love: A Practical Guide to Social Justice". It promises to be an eye-opener, so watch this space. Love without action is not love.

Who dares?

Ok, so a respected pastor and author dares to remind us that we do not know, nor are we allowed to judge, who goes to heaven and he is called a heretic?! http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2011/03/19/rob-bell-punches-back-against-claims-of-heresy/

The fact that I happen to like and agree with what I have read from Rob Bell in no way colours my surprise at this craziness! Who are we to say we know? Last time I checked, God is in charge of deciding what happens to us after we die and, as a Christian, I believe that "God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son", so that we all may know His great love and mercy and grace!

Jesus judged no one. He visited with and made friends with people from every possible sphere of society - from generals to prostitutes - and shared His love with all of them. His last prayer for His own executors was a prayer of love; that they be forgiven - brought into God's grace.

Can anyone honestly say that they know what goes on in somebody's spirit based on failures they see on the outside? If that were true, we are all condemned to Hell, because we all fail all the time. That's the point, isn't it? We cannot reconnect with God on our own, because we fail, so He gave us a way - Grace.

How and when each individual comes, or doesn't come, to know God's grace is not for me to judge. How God deals with each individual's response to his grace is most definitely not for me to dictate!

A night under the stars.

Tonight we celebrated the opening of the new school where I teach, under the African stars. Children danced, mommies clapped and cheered, the principal made a speech and the founders of the school lit a torch. The choir sang and we sang. It was wonderful to be a part of it. Not many people have the privilege of being a part of the birth of something that represents the fulfilment of a vision like this - of making a place where the community will grow and learn and create new opportunities for the future. The sights and sounds, lights and colours reminded me of one of my (and many others') old favourite paintings - alive with colour and energy. An oldie, but a goodie!

True equality?

Another thought-provoking idea from Fr Richard Rohr: http://campaign.r20.constantcontact.com/render?llr=isz87kdab&v=001u8SjZbUCyfMyVIu8TWCzkY8KfEL6fM5MPFUhTp75vr0UiMm9Rtp8lppnudMsAVhXBMcdgiwUEwm5qpPLYuAP0MqMHRr6DQzWhKxs84OAbelmjtiNL1AR7efjVPNrn1CKg_TnP3VjvP3Ft8fHToFoqb9sjwmHmo85tcWoWu5iOhfbb5zB4pTVLVeIHrsIdH1XeU_fo4dOR0UiTE7dWR56XYMiGerR9_pGaIG1SeAuSXZkFgbC35SQHizhcGJp03xtQZ9i9fid0gxzTuu7e_D9VkVb36DInHwDLkb6bHFbqs5pvPnOt8s5eqdEZmxPOCUO-6RUpzdYiD-GF7DUC2tPe7-MEPX9TF66DVUyNb9vjVc%3D

I hate having a cheapy, crappy, grade 1 cellphone!

The reason why I hate my phone is simply this: I have a brand spanking new, gorgeously, deliciously over the top, pink chair and I can't post a pic, because the most advanced feature my phone offers is a flashlight! I mean, really!
And why do I have a cheapy, crappy, grade 1 cellphone, you ask?! Because my fancy, funky, photograph-taking phone decided to peg six months into its young life and my upgrade is only in January of next year! Gah!

So. Use your imagination. Sorry. It's a gorgeous chair!

I wish for a Babel fish!

How many arguments have you been in where you looked back and realised that you and the other person had been saying the same thing, but not coming to an agreement?

So many conversations turn into arguments, that turn into fights that end relationships, not because of differences of opinion, but because of an inability or unwillingness to listen past the manner of speech, expression and tone of voice to the issue being raised.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if there were a Relationship Babel Fish,almost like the one in "Hitch-hikers' Guide to the Galaxy" that - instead of translating foreign languages for you - will translate other people's hurt or angry words into that which they had been trying to say in the first place.

New discovery!

I love beautiful images and seeing what inspires others. These are worth a look!
http://theanimalarium.blogspot.com/
http://www.albertocerriteno.com/portfolio/sora.html

Re: "Lost" Daily Meditation: Counter Cultural -- First Sunday of Lent -- Mar. 13, 2011

Check out this link: It helped me to understand more about what church is supposed to be and why I do not feel at home in some churches:
http://campaign.r20.constantcontact.com/render?llr=isz87kdab&v=001QkDMjGI5V9YvdXP6SpHb40ShSXuckrvSqfRel5XiIV_TVDsBtb0Mb48zZcNkFvQiynsuClHZ752yObRWu66cm27G9pKWAVaJo8DN8enWW5JxfiSIaCTnbvhk0IKu1ak4bWLa-zVyj_86Ce-PwglYkX_fzzzbFT9N5DW5MkkhHp-HDoTLGRmU7npUYlhwHr4kc_XTq4yXrQpDQMM-vsLBstd2dsKyGFydTFjTJDdqOxCKpV145XmIAhhhG-xk79p5qwfgZGnUngdDf0DT0w5DRJDaSleMSlnx6R0tk827KZH4o5Sj85NhOxx189Yb1YlLrtAyDem7iHfONvMzXmSxbTiy0NIx3fy3kHD_n_WFhJk%3D

Lost

When you take Geography at school, you learn about how populations migrate and grow and shrink and change. One of the concepts they teach you is "push and pull factors". What are the things that 'push' you away from where you are and what are the things that 'pull' you in a new direction?

I went to a church last week, hoping to find a possible new spiritual home in the area I have recently moved to. The message I got was that their church is the right place to be, because somebody else's is not right??? Huh??? 'Come to us, because the place where you were is bad.' So they're leaning heavily on the 'push' factors, hoping that where I had been would have been bad enough to push me away towards them.What I failed to get was, what was so great about them? Why would somebody from my old church "go to Hell" (their words)?

I watched a DVD from another church. Same faith, same message (supposedly). All I could hear was, "Come and feel the welcome and the love that our family has to offer. We don't have all the answers, but we have love and comfort and we take care of people, even when they don't agree with us. Here you will find friends."

Sadly, the church in the DVD is in another country, soo... I can't go there today...

The question I want to ask, though, is, "Where to from here?"

Fish

Check out my fishies! Please feed them by clicking on the water.

Declaration

My God is greater than any power in the universe and the power He exerted to resurrect Jesus Christ from the dead is the power He makes available to us who believe (Eph 1:15-23).

Knowing the Living God changes us. Living inside His love gives us peace beyond comprehension and a quiet confidence that we will always be ok.

Please do not read "prosperity and everlasting happiness" when I say "ok".

"Ok" means knowing that my Heavenly Father is in control and that I can turn to Him and find His arms open for me. It means that I do not have to fear the things I do not understand. It means I do not have the need to try and predict the outcome of events. It means that I have a Place to come home to even when I did try to control my own destiny and got lost. It means I have an Ear Who will listen to all my ramblings and rantings with empathy and patience. It means that, even when I feel lost and alone, I will never be lost and alone. It means that I do not have to "fit in" here, because I have a place prepared for me elsewhere.

"Ok" means being loved, cherished and protected by the Almighty and knowing it.

Who?

Living here means being without identity. My language is being phased out. Even I don't often read it. Obviously, I blog in my second language. My nation is the historical monster, bent under guilt. My country is so multi-everything that it is nothing. My leaders are either well-intentioned but clueless or corrupt. My gender? We are abused and neglected. The men in my world? Some are confused by our power. Others find it beautiful, but they are few. The list goes on.

So who am I? Do I identify with any of this? Yes. This is who I am. No. I am more.

Many are raging, singing, writing, politicking, talk showing, conferencing, dialogueing, chatting, blogging, arting, playing, rhetoricking about this. New text about all things mentioned is being generated to promote, criticise, advertise, analyse, celebrate and denegrate. I am no closer to knowing who I am.

I do know this: I like who I am. Your problem if you don't.

Some thoughts on crazy people and why I am almost crazy

People are described as crazy for all kinds of reasons. Mental illness is the obvious one. An insane temper is another. Being willing to take wierd risks makes you look doolally. Choosing clothing, body art and hairstyles that don't fit the norm is an easy way of getting labelled crazy, however unfairly.
In this jaundiced, sceptical world, those of us who believe in pure things like love and the sanctity of relationships of all kinds have been described as crazy.


These are all interesting, often entertaining ideas, but off the mark.

Crazy people are people who do not want relationships to work. I watched "Into the Wild" last week. It's a brilliant movie. Beautiful scenery, great cast, etc. The story, based on true events, is powerful and touching. Ultimately, though, the story of Alexander Supertramp is the darkest, most unsettling I have encountered in a long time. In the film, he is depicted as wanting reconciliation with his family. In reality, I don't think we will ever know. What we do know is that he made a deliberate effort to get away from his family and, ultimately, all human contact. He may have had his reasons, but it remains heartwrenching to contemplate.


So this is why I am almost crazy. I almost chose being right and having my opinion proven right over being part of something wonderful. Almost.

Wow!

What a ride! Since the last post - too long to mention, but not so long considering - I have changed jobs twice, moved house four times, had a cat, lost the cat,planted something and watched it die, started new friendships, nearly lost some old ones.

And in the end? I have come full circle. The lapping waters of the dark lake are working hard on swallowing me (please forgive the mixed devices) and I am standing on the edge of beginning a new journey into the intentional silence of surrendering prayer and fasting.

It's Ash Wednesday today.

Prayer and contemplation await and so too do new revelations and fresh thinking.

I can't wait!